Saturday, 18 September 2010


Husband away for one night this week. A sleeper to Cornwall. Always wanted to do it apparently. Like a birthday present to himself. Up to him I suppose. Bet you can't smoke bloody anywhere tho'! Not a problem for him of course.

So as there's me and the kids and the cat, all fatherless, this can only mean one thing. A pedicure. I mean don't get me wrong, Husband wouldn't remotely notice if I did it in front of him. But somehow, with the living room to myself and the TV off for once, it somehow beckoned.
The Voices were telling me to Do It.

Well, what a load of old shit! My plates of meat in this foot spa thing, going cold, and me bored and wanting a fag. Dried 'em off, and painted my nails green. With kind permission from daughter that is. I mean my days of buying disco magenta nail polish and that, are over!

Didn't occur to me until I'd done 'em, that I couldn't go to the kitchen for a fag then either! My nails being so wet and that! Well, I tell you, I don't think much of this beauty stuff! And my toenails now look like I've got some kind of weird green infection! I mean, what was the point of that???

Also rubbed hot almond oil in my hair and put on a disposable shower cap, and slept in it overnight! Ena Sharples! Look out!

What was that all about? What is going on with this beauty shit???

Monday, 6 September 2010

Turn Back.........

My brothers, I can explain everything.....

I was running away, with my cat, and carrying one of those poles with my meagre belongings wrapped up in a tatty ball over my shoulder, when these bells chimed and told me: Turn back, Jenny Smith, turn back..

Alright, the truth was that they gave me 30 years, and while I was looking through the bars, thinking of you all, I started to make friends with this little bird......

Alright, Alright, I had a bloody headache all through the summer! There! You've got it out of me! Happy now?/?

Yes, this headache has another name, a more technical one, known as bloody kids on school holidays! Bastards! I am quite certain that this has been the worse summer ever in that respect. Daughter, 14, has given me such GBH of the earholes, and Son (nearly 12) well....he's just Son really. They're not very lovable ages I can tell you.

Daughter has really been the worse. Bursting into tears in the middle of M&S while shopping for shoes. A kindly saleslady offered her a drink of water. I gave her a sweet smile which read Why don't you sod off and leave us alone? Is this not embarassing enough, you old busybody! But what I actually said was No thank you. And that was the least of it!

At least Son buggers off out!

They've gone back to school today, and good bloody riddance I can tell you! Sod 'em, its just me and Jeremy Vine now, until half bloody term!

So how come I've still got a headache then????