Erm.....

Come back, haven't I. Had to cut away at the overgrown grass and weeds to get through here, but I made it! The windows are all smeared and there are cobwebs everywhere. It was an effort to pull back the dust infested curtains - nearly catching them alight on the flames in the fireplace.

Been writing my buggering book. It's shit! - I think. And even if it wasn't, can't let no-one read it until everyone in my family dies (my mum and brother and that) because they would quite literally have my guts for garters if they read what I've written about THEM. Not that they haven't deserved it of course! I think. Anyway, Salmon Rushdie thought HE had it tough with mobs trying to lynch him - wait till he sees MY brother and kids in action - I tell you! My book is far more interesting than that Satanic Verses by the way. Don't know why he went to all that bother to be honest.

Been brutally rejected by Woman's Weekly - again! No lifeline there. Even my beauty tips are getting the cold shoulder - not by Them tho'. My writing career is as dust! Just dust! I am truly washed up!

Went to the Titanic Exhibition at the 02 dome thing. (Ugly place!). We all got a boarding pass each of a real passenger. I was Edith Evans from New York, 36 and first class! Was in with a chance of survival there!

The testimonals of the survivors written around the walls were very moving. Also the stories of the one's who didn't get there. There was this posh old American couple in their '80s. They owned some of Barneys or Macy's or somewhere - and they were rich and first class. Anyway SHE wouldn't get in a lifeboat. She said her and her old man had been together for years, and she was not going to let him face this alone. So she joined him back on board for certain doom.

I wondered if I was capable of being a Big person like that. Assuming me and Husband were of retirement age - kids grown up and not with us and everything - and we had just collided with an iceberg. Would I get in that lifeboat? A new life in New York and the prospect of living it up with the life insurance? Or would I stay with Husband? Could I really drift away in a lifeboat and watch him there on deck?

They say drowning is a terrible way to go. I mean, all untimely death is, I suppose. But they say your lungs burst and you don't lose conciousness for a very long time.

But then, suppose it was a non-smoking lifeboat? What did I do then? No-one's going to stop you having a fag on the Titanic, are they? They would be preoccupied with the boat sinking. If I had say, 40 fags, and get Husband a few bottles of wine, we could have a bloody good time until The End, couldn't we?

Anyway, Husband said if there was one space left in a lifeboat, he would give it to The Cat. So that's answered that question then.

Wasn't one of the bloody survivors, was I! There was a list of them all at the end, who had been lost. Was furious! Went and let those bastards have it! They still remember me from Julie Andrews!!!