Sunday, 1 November 2009

Cutting Edge!


Welcome to our alternative poetry readings. live from the Avant Garde Club.

Now I know you've all come tonight to hear Fatso's new anthology "No Superkings, sorry" - (perhaps his most brutal work of all) but let me introduce our newest and freshest warm-up poet - Jenny Smith

(polite applause amid murmers "but I wanted to see Fatso!" and "I hope he doesn't fall asleep this time!")

JS clears throat:

"This is my most radical piece to date:

Half-term! What a load of shit that is!
Its not even christmas. Or Easter.
And the kids get on your tits
And they hog the laptop all the time
if you're not driving 'em to sleepovers that is!

And don't get me started on Halloween...!

(Sounds of "boos" start to erupt dangerously amid murmers of "doesnt' even rhyme" and
"where's the irony? thats what I want to know...")

Look! Its a work in progress, okay?

When the hell is it Monday?
When I can get rid of the bloody lot of them
Daughter says she's got a sore throat
well, I tell you, she's bloody going.......

Ow! No, stop it! Hey! Thats not very ladylike!
(tomatos and paper cups are being thrown now)

"Fatso! Fatso! Bring on Fatso! Get off, you talentless waste of space!
AND you're not allowed to smoke in here!"

Well, sod it then. Did Philip Larkin ever have this trouble, I wonder.


Chairman Bill said...

A veritable bard!

@eloh said...

Lovely. You should publish.

Suburbia said...

Nearly there, only another 12 hours and they'll be out of the house!!!!

Anonymous said...

I do wish you'd get the kids off the lappy and post a bit more often, I love your posts.


Polly said...

Well now that is the most delicious peice of poetry I have ever read!

Stigmum said...

You are a stand up comedienne!Applause applause!! And your book in Waterstones please!

Jennysmith said...

Puff..pant... Sorry, Treasures, had to find a hiding place from this angry mob. Now I don't mind threats of violence, brothers, with my rough background, this is mothers milk. But when the crowd threaten to crush your fags...!!!
Well, its time to hide!!

I'm so glad my poetry has impressed someone - a little rough around the edges I admit - but there is definitely a slim volume of verse there somewhere.

CB, how lovely to see you and to find you are a great poetry lover. You too, @eloh. Didn't realise I wasn't following your posts. Will change that right away once I can get to a safe house.

Sub, thank you for your reassuring words. Yes, they have finally buggered off for the day. Hooray!

Argentum, how's that crab? Bless you for your lovely words. Yes, would be nice to get on my own laptop more, wouldn't it. I'm glad you recognise that I am a victim in my own house.

Bless you, Polly and Stigmum, true poetry lovers both! Don't know about a book, Stig sweetie, I'd be too busy going off for a fag every time I've typed a sentence.

Bless you, gotta keep running !!


Stigmum said...

My you're good! Ol' stiggers here can't post without a fag in her mouth, maybe two a sentence! Did tell myself not to smoke in the flat la di daa but when the nipper's in school or fast asleep, well, crikey, what can I say, the rebel's still in me!

French Fancy said...

You'd make a great Poet Laureate - kids might even learn to enjoy the medium again.