Friday, 27 March 2009


How many more shops am i going to walk out of? At this rate i'll be getting an ASBO.

Shop near Son's school. Run out of parking vouchers don't I. Go in. This really awful Asian woman glares at me, says they don't do them anymore. Fine. Ok. Especially as I see that the old voucher parking spots are now Car Club spots. Someone did explain about them but i've completely forgotten what they said.

Two days later, with only 4 fags left, I go back in the shop. The old bag was there again. Behind her, the white display shelf only has a yellowing sticker for Marlborough.
"Don't you sell fags anymore?" I venture.
"No." she glares.
"Well, this is a pretty f...... * useless shop then, isn't it" I explain as I walk out.
I think it was the way it was said.

Now say what you like about Fatso. Say what you like about the useless fat idle indifferent Git, he will come up with the fags. And if he doesn't have my brand, he will mumble some explanation. Admittedly i don't really listen but at least the fat lump offers one.

And he doesnt have to. Stock my Superkings or explain i mean. He could hurt me in the only way he can. But no, he doesn't. He's loyal in that respect. A bit like some lazy fat labrador that no-one really goes near.

Incidentally there's white people working in Fatso's shop. I can't have that! No telly blasting out the Namaste channel, no talking shit with numerous dodgy-looking relatives. This is not good enough! I don't want that type in my local shop.

I have a theory that Fatso's book - How I was Pursued by Some Crazy Bloody Woman - has been well received. Rumours are it got a good review in The Times Literary Supplement. And that Max Clifford has been sniffing around. Also there is talk in the Launderette that Fatso is now close mates with Stephen Fry and Tony Parsons and He now divides his time between The Ivy, The Groucho Club and Hugh Hefner's mansion. (They'd need a bloody huge hot tub there, I tell you!).

And funny, the last time I saw him heaving out of a posh car, he didn't look angry with me anymore. Why?

* answers on a postcard please


Chairman Bill said...

You should try vaping an e-cigarette. Much cheaper and healthier.

Henry the Dog's Mum said...

Yeah but then she wouldn't have any excuse to go to Fatsos

Henry the Dog said...

If you're nice to him he might let you have a signed copy:)

French Fancy said...

That's a novel way of making people give up smoking - persuade the shops not to stock fags,

Go on - give up.

French Fancy said...

p.s. Hey Jen, you've not joined the BNP have you?

Dave Pie-n-Mash said...

Next time you see the asian lady and she gets stroppy with you, get some eggs. A lot of years ago, when I could run fast (what am I saying - I mean when I could run), one of Fatso's relatives that runs a Spar store near to my Mum and Dad's got lippy with my Dad over two cans of Tennents. When I heard about it I went over there, picked up a carton of eggs and pelted the git behind the counter and then ran out the door shouting some obscenity about cans of Tennents. It turned out to be a win-win for Fatso's relative and me because I got a lot of satisfaction out of it and I gave him a nice conversation piece that he could talk about with customers that went in after me.

Jennysmith said...

Hello my sweets.

Yes, CB, intrigued by that E fag thing on your blog. What is it exactly? And do you need an ashtray and a light?

and yes, HTDM, then when am i gonna taunt Fatso? He comes to expect it now. Its the only company he gets. It would break his poor little chubby heart.

But Henry, i doubt if the tight sod would give it to me for free. He would charge me at least double and i'm not sure he's up to anything as energetic as signing.

Gosh FF, you'll have me shot! No, squash that one straight away. I agree the post smacks of inverted racism but BNP - no way!

Seriously tho', am a bit concerned about the other people in Fat's shop. This one is real! What am i gonna do without the slothful git?

Great Story, Dave, Love the eggs xxx

Polly said...

She sounds like a git personally. Lucky though, Id miss my fatso updates.

Marie and John said...

Hello Jennysmith,

It's so good to be back and I have missed you so much.

I see from reading the previous posts you've been upsetting Fatso again :-)

Shame I wasn't able to join the rest of the gang and Henry the dog in visiting his premises. I will the next time.

How's your toe and did you finish making your skirt.


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